“The naturalist Kevin Scribner tells us that salmon make their way upstream by bumping repeatedly into blocked pathways until they find where the current is strongest. Somehow they know that the unimpeded rush of water means that there is no obstacle there, and so they enter this opening fervently, for though it is the hardest going, the way is clear.”
― Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
Recently I found myself in the position of making a tough decision. After a flurry of auditions that did not lead anywhere (at least not externally – I learned a lot from each of them), I found myself with an unusual phenomenon: a clear performance calendar. Yes, I have a performance coming up with the choir that I am honored to sing in, and also with the choir that I am honored to direct, but in terms of solo performing or upcoming auditions – zilch. This is quite an unnerving situation for me, as it is my deepest calling to share my unique voice, collaborate with other professional and passionate musicians, and to guide others to discovering the true resonance of their own instrument. I am doing plenty of that last part (teaching) and it is going wonderfully, and I am beyond grateful for that. Every day, I delight in introducing incredible individuals to the workings of their own unique voice, and I cannot say how honored and overjoyed I am to witness my students’ commitment and growth. But in terms of my own vocal journey, I have experienced so much growth recently that I find myself with a backlog of creative energy – a deep desire to share my voice, my growth, and what is in my heart – and nowhere to perform. I cannot help but feel like a salmon swimming against the current, repeatedly banging its head against rocks, looking for a way through.
But then, I found it.
Suddenly, it became clear. In the past, when I was faced with a situation like this, I would usually find myself in one of two scenarios. The first (more common) scenario: I would rush to fill that space in my schedule with self-created performances, such as recitals. Unable to keep the momentum in my practice without a goal to work towards, I would create a goal for myself and hurl myself fully into that project. I grew a lot from each recital and loved collaborating with a pianist and connecting with an intimate audience; however, when I consider how much energy was also spent on the logistics of planning such events (and how much money spent and sleep lost), I wonder if that’s really the clear path for me right now – or another rock.
The other scenario was a subtle yet poisonous one – slowly allowing the feeling of resignation and defeat to seep in and infect me. Yes, this has happened more often in my life than I’d like to admit. In the absence of a clear external goal or outlet for my creative energy and voice, I would sink into a funk where I would still be active as a teacher and go through all the motions that were expected of me in my life, but I wouldn’t save enough energy for my own deepest desires and the practices that support them.
But this time, it is different. I’ve bumped against those two rocks enough times, and suddenly that elusive middle path is clear to me. I’ve built enough internal strength that I don’t need an external goal to keep the momentum in my practice. The answer, for the moment, is not to schedule another recital for myself, but to remain true to my voice and yoga practice every day (or six days a week – we all need a rest day sometimes!) and prepare for bigger auditions or opportunities to come. Those opportunities I may not be able to see or predict, but I know they’re there, and the path that is hardest but the most clear for me right now is to trust and do the work needed to be fully ready when they present themselves.
So, the middle path is often the hardest – our ego loves extremes, and it is so easy to fall into them! And when you do, practice compassion for yourself – you’re in good company. Just try and pay attention; after hitting enough rocks, you will have developed the discernment needed to find your own clear path, or at least the next right step. The good news is, practices like singing and yoga help you develop that inner strength that you will need to face the hardest current and find your way.